Willing to Go Any Length

By: Jason Marcle

“If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.”

• Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 58

Page 58 in the Alcoholics Anonymous book asks this very important question to the recovering addict. This question does not have to apply just to addicts. It can apply to anyone anywhere that is struggling with any kind of problem. Think about this question and how you can apply it to your situation.  Mr. Jones next door bought a really nice convertible sports car, and you wanted it. Are you willing to go to any length to get it?  You have choices. You can work really hard and work a lot of overtime to save money to purchase the car.  You could cash in your retirement account and possibly buy the car. You could even turn in another direction, a more dishonest direction and steal the car. There are many ways you can achieve your goal. There is the right way and the wrong way.

In 2016, I knew I had a drinking problem. I did not want to admit it out loud. In October of 2016, I called my wife from St. Petersburg Florida and explained to her that I thought I had a problem and that I needed to stop drinking. She didn’t have any idea that I had been drinking as much as I had been. I told her that I was going to stop, and I wanted her to help me by not letting me drink.  I had never been arrested or obtained a D.U.I., so I didn’t think I needed to get real help like a 12-step program with a sponsor. I didn’t need to go into a room full of strangers that would most likely laugh at me for thinking that I was an alcoholic.

What did I do? I just decided that I could download a copy of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”, read it, and everything would work itself out. There, I was fixed now. I thought. I also talked with another guy at church that drank often, and how I needed to stop drinking. We went and spoke to an individual that was in recovery. He sat us down, told us his story, and said that if he could get sober from drugs and alcohol that anyone could. He told us that it involved a lot of work. A lot of support from others. He offered then to take us to a meeting. Neither of us took him up on his offer. I wasn’t ready to go to any length to get what he had at the time.

18 months had passed, and I was still sober. That is when my head started playing tricks on me. “You have gone 18 months without drinking. You didn’t have to go into a recovery center, you didn’t have to go to a hospital to dry out. You aren’t really an alcoholic. You quit for 18 months with no problem. Drink a beer if you want. It won’t hurt you.”  Me and Amy were eating in a restaurant, and I explained to her that I never had a problem with beer, I just loved how it tasted. I told her it was ok as long as I stayed away from whiskey. I manipulated her into thinking a beer wouldn’t hurt me. I was good at that. I am an addict! She allowed me to order a beer and then another. We went home and I told her not to worry because those two drinks didn’t even bother me. It did though. In less than a week, I had whiskey hid in the house again without her knowing.  Several months have passed and she brought me a small jar of moonshine that someone had made at home. It was probably about 10 ounces of homemade moonshine. I was grilling dinner that evening so that would be perfect to “sip” on while I cook.  That jar lasted around 15 minutes before it was empty.

That is all it took. Next thing I know, I purchased different materials and started making hard apple cider and applejack at home.  Along with that, I was still storing whiskey all over the house. It depended on how much cash I had on me to determine what brand I bought. I wasn’t ready to go to any length.

In the middle of June 2018, I was sick of drinking. I was sick of the whiskey controlling my thoughts. I was sick of being worried about how much I had in the house and if I had enough to get through another day. That thought circled my head over and over until I got home and quickly got 6-8 shots in me. Again, I decided that I was going to stop drinking and for real this time.

Seven days later, my cousin’s daughter was killed in an automobile accident. Alyssa was like our 2^nd daughter. She was like a sister to Haley just like Stacy, (Alyssa’s mom), was just like a sister to me.  Alyssa’s sister and boyfriend were in the accident as well. They were both airlifted to Memphis. Alyssa’s sister ended up being ok, she had some broken bones and lacerations. Alyssa’s boyfriend wasn’t that lucky.  He eventually passed away from head trauma.

What made this hard is that another family member was involved in the accident, and he had told us how the wreck happened.  When it was time for the police to take his statement, he changed his story and turned it around to make it sound like it was the kid’s fault. He told us different. This infuriated all of us. I had never felt feelings like this before. The feeling of hate. 

I prayed for this man to die. I prayed that I could witness his death so I could spit in his face before he died. I had many other thoughts that raced through my mind that doesn’t need to be discussed here.  I went to the men’s group at church. I explained what was happening in my head and how I was also trying to stop drinking.  This is when a friend of mine told me “You have to pack his bags and kick him out of your head. He is living rent free in your head, and you are allowing it.”  Another friend of mine asked me “when are you going to a meeting?” He would not let up or stop asking me until I gave him an answer. I responded and said that I would go next week. He asked me, “why not tomorrow night?” He knew how important it was to get me some help.

The next night, my friend that told me to kick the guy out of my head met me and took me to my 1^st meeting.  I was now ready to go to any length to get better.  I admitted to another human being that I was an alcoholic and that my life had become unmanageable. I also admitted the same to myself out loud. The room of people that I was so afraid of became good friends. They understood me. They related to me. Some had faced the same issues as me. I was ready to take certain steps in a certain order. I was willing to listen to others. I even sat down with my daughter and told her that I had a drinking problem, but I was going to get better. As of today, I have kept my word.

That is just one example of going to any length.  I put myself in a very uncomfortable position to get better. I decided that I could not do it on my own. I had to ask for help. I had to take suggestions of recovery to get better. I had to go to any length. I still have too today. 

If you are one who is battling depression, addiction, PTSD, anxiety, abuse of any kind, grief, and so on, are you ready to go to any length to get better? Help is out there for just about any situation you are facing. It may not be a comfortable decision to make. Are you willing to seek help?  Are you willing to talk to someone about what you are facing?  It is all your choice. You have to decide which path you want and if you are willing to go to any length to get there.