What Are You Afraid Of??

By: Amy Marcle

To be honest, I don’t have everything figured out. I don’t have the answers to most of my problems. Being that journaling seems to help me some, I decided to list some of my fears.

Change

If any word creates negative energy around me, it is the word change. I’m not talking about pocket change; I’m talking about doing things a new way. Doing things, I’m not familiar with. I understand that not all change is bad and sometimes it is necessary.  The uncertainty of change is what scares me. I have worked for the same company for 17 years. Even though my dream is to do something totally different, change scares me. What if I try something different and fail?  What if I can’t meet my family’s financial needs due to a pay decrease? There are things I would love to try, but I have never had much confidence in myself. I am fearful that this website may never find those it is intended to help. I am afraid of this large investment Amy and myself have made to help others. Will laugh and think we are just looking for attention and sympathy? I guess what scares me the most about change is the fear of the unknown. If I don’t understand the reason for change, I will tend to overthink everything and I will quickly build a mountain out of a molehill. Thoughts will race around like the Daytona 500 was live in my head.  The fear of change will keep me anxious, and I will even have difficulty sleeping at night due to the racing thoughts.  I’m not sure how to resolve my fear of change but at least I am getting it out in the open. I know that Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Being Alone

I have always had a fear of being alone.  I don’t mean in the sense of being by myself in a house for a few weeks or months.  I mean really alone. I am amazed even today that someone wanted to be my wife. I am amazed that I am not single. I am amazed that after 20 plus years, she is still with me. Never in my life have I felt like I was attractive. I have never been the muscled-up jock that girls chased after. I have never been that handsome guy that all the girls whisper about.  I was never in the top 10 picked for whatever game we were playing on the playground or in gym.  It seemed like I was one that got bullied quite a bit. I would stand up for myself when there was no other option, but I tried to avoid conflict when possible.  I have said before that I have never had a lot of confidence in myself.  Even today, when things break down at work and it affects people’s health, I question myself If I am the right person for the job. Will I be able to fix the problem as expected? 

My fear about being alone is much deeper than being by myself somewhere.  It is a fear of dying alone. A fear that I may live the last 20 years of my life alone. Not having anyone to enjoy life with. I don’t want to become a burden for someone else. With all of the health issues Amy has had over the last 20 years, it has always scared me. I remember the first time she was in ICU and the Dr. told me if we would have been 30 minutes later getting Amy to the hospital she would have died. I was only 24 years old, and I was afraid of being alone right then. Even though this was one of the scariest moments in my life, it was also one of the most memorable. The Dr told me not to leave the hospital and that I needed to stay in the critical care waiting area in case something happened to Amy. She wasn’t really stable, and they told me that it would be a long night for her.  I was surprised when my dad decided that he was going to stay with me. He did not want me to be alone. This created one of the best memories of my dad. He stayed with me for a few nights in the ICU waiting room so I wouldn’t be alone. That made an impression on me. I still tear up today thinking about that experience. That meant so much to me. Today I don’t have my dad. If something were to happen, I would be alone.  My daughter is at the age where she is starting her own life.  I worry that one day I could become a burden to her since she is an only child.

Losing My Sobriety

My sobriety means a lot to me. It probably doesn’t mean as much to others, but it is very important to me. I have nightmares about taking a drink. That one drink leads to many and then I am right back where I started.  Over 5 years of sobriety has been hard for me to keep.  It continues to get easier. I have fought hard for my sobriety, and I have had to make some changes. I am afraid that if I ever gave in, it would kill me. Something as simple as drinking a glass of whiskey could send me to an early grave.  I know a few people that has done very well in recovery and then one bad thing sends them overboard. They pick up and have one drink, a few months later, they are dead.  Yes, this really happens in the real world, not just in the movies. I know if I am not careful, it could be me the next time. The nightmares make me nervous. They make me feel anxious. When I wake up, I feel like I have actually taken a drink because in the dream, I seem to really enjoy myself until I realize I have messed up. My head can play tricks on me. It will often tell me “You’re not an alcoholic. Go ahead and get a drink or two.” That scares me that to this day, my head is still trying to play tricks with me. It all begins with one bad choice. Yes, just one wrong choice can affect the rest of my life.  I am glad that I have made it this far in recovery, but I have a long way to go.

Losing My Christian Faith.

This is topic that I have been battling daily.  This is another topic that scares me.  I had a really good friend that was a devout Christian.  He motivated me with scriptures, and inspirational readings that he would send me.  He always had an inspiring answer to a problem I was dealing with. He was a Deacon in the congregation that he attended. He had a lot of things happen in a short period of time in his life. Kind of like what I have been facing. He lost a lot of his faith. He went as far in one of our discussions to tell me that he didn’t believe everything in the Bible anymore. I didn’t argue with him, I listened. I listened so I could maybe figure out how I could help restore his faith.  He always believed that there was a higher power.  He started believing that maybe there was a group of, let’s say aliens, that started this universe. Maybe these “aliens” were what I refer to as “God”.  He completely changed his faith in a very short period of time. This was a man I looked up to. He was like a brother to me.  This really disturbed me, and I was sad for him. I didn’t know how to help him. I couldn’t argue with him because that would do nothing but push him away. At one time I wished my faith was half as strong as his. I wished my biblical knowledge was half as much as his. It just shows that you never know how strong someone else’s faith is. Some people, like me, can be really good actors while on stage.  I asked to put my friend on our prayer list at church.  I wanted as many to pray for him as possible.  A few months later, my friend got really sick. He spent around a month in the hospital before he passed away. This devastated me because I don’t know where his faith was at when he passed away. Did he seek forgiveness while he was lying in the hospital bed?  It is very possible that he did. That is something I can only hope for. 

The reason I am even bringing him up under this subject, is because I am afraid that I will end up like that. I’m afraid of losing my faith. The last 2 years has been hell for me. That is the best way I can describe it. There is no way I could come close to putting the last two years of my life into words. It isn’t possible. I don’t even know how to talk about it much. I can’t find the words. I do feel my faith weakening. As hard as I try to regain my faith, it seems as I get pulled away even more. It is almost like something I can’t help. I don’t have evil thoughts, I haven’t lost belief in the Christian faith, It is like there is something that has wiped away my desire.  Someone with weak faith is easier to temp than someone with strong faith.  I am afraid that if I were to die today, I may not go to Paradise.  The bible mentions several times how it is possible to fall away or lose your faith.  That is why we must stand guard. I have said many times that I am a work in progress, and that I can only live one day at a time. It is like I feel empty inside today.  I don’t feel the excitement inside that I once felt.  It feels as if part of me has already died.  I have been searching for something the last few years, but I don’t know what I have been searching for.  I hope I find it soon and that my faith will be restored to what it once was. It scares me inside. I guess that is a good thing that it does scare me.  That at least tells me that I am not hopeless yet.

Conclusion

It is good to talk about your fears. It is good to express your feelings with others. You don’t want to hold this stuff in. It really helps to get it out in the open. The purpose of this blog is to show you that I have fears. I have struggles. Everyone has a fear of something. Some people isolate themselves due to their fears. This is the worst thing we can do. We must talk to others. Talking to others about your feelings and fears is not a sign of weakness. It actually shows how strong of a person you really are.  Can you relate to this blog? Maybe you are facing the same issues? If you want to share your story with others, contact us! We may even share your story with others on our website if you like.  If you don’t want to share your story, but want to share with us, you can still shoot us an email. It isn’t too late to seek help if you need to. I hope you will at least share your fears with a friend or family member.  Don’t let your fears live Rent Free in your head.