Spiritually Sick

By: Jason Marcle

Most of the time, when I am writing a blog, I write to myself. There is something about putting my thoughts down on paper that helps me. I touched on this in the blog about journaling. I am titling this “Spiritually Sick” because that is what I am. I am not sure how to explain it, but I am going to try.

I have always gone to church. That is how I was brought up. My parents made sure that we went to Sunday school and preaching every Sunday. I did not mind, most of the time I enjoyed being around others my age. I did not mind learning the Bible stories that was taught, I kind of liked them. I have never been good at memorizing things, and it is hard for me to recall things I read weeks ago. I have always been like that. I always felt behind when it came to Bible knowledge. Other kids my age could answer more questions than myself, they seemed to know a lot more about the Bible than I did. It is not because I did not try, it is because I simply could not remember all the details like they could.

To this day, I still struggle remembering where certain passages are in the Bible. I can tell you what the Bible says about certain things, but I may have to search to actually show you where it says that. That makes me feel like I am not worthy of God’s love. Like I do not deserve it. As true as that statement is, none of us deserve it, but my reasoning does not make sense. I want to be the one that can spit out verses without searching to help others. Again, I have always felt beneath everyone that has this talent.

So, you may ask why I feel like I am spiritually sick. The truth is, I am spiritually sick. I cannot explain why, but it is hard for me to pray every day and every night. It is like there is a darkness in my head that prevents me from doing so. I still will force myself to pray from time to time, but it does not come easily to me anymore. I know that prayer is important. It is a direct avenue of contact we have with God. Who would struggle with talking to God unless they were spiritually sick? Who would struggle talking to their creator, the one who can heal all sickness and can calm every mind? The answer is the spiritually sick.

I feel like I am spiritually malnourished. I had asked an Elder of the Church for guidance and support since losing my parents and my best friend. Nothing came out of that. I asked for some time to collect my thoughts before I started serving in the Church again, which did not happen. I was starving for God’s word but instead I was getting lessons on Greek terminology that was used in the Bible instead of real-life lessons. Do not get me wrong, I am not blaming anyone. I am just stating facts. I went a couple of years without being spiritually fed. Yes, I went to church, I participated in numerous ways, but it did not help me. The lessons were not helping me. I was starving for the milk and the meat of God’s word. I actually still am today. All the trauma I endured over a brief time span created spiritual wounds that I feel like may never heal.

The spiritual wounds run deep. I need to be healed. I am on a much better path today after we changed congregations. I enjoy the weekly lessons; I am just trying to force the lessons into my daily life. I have a friend that will send me inspirational messages every day. He will send me Bible verses; he will send me prayers and passages from recovery books. I wish I had received those messages during the time of all the trauma I was facing. I read them daily. Some of them make my heart hurt. I am so thankful to have a friend today that sends me these things. A friend that takes time out daily to send me some inspiring thoughts. This is a devoted friend. I have had friends in the past that simply ignored what I was going through. I have learned the hard way who my real friends are.

Something else that proves to me that I am spiritually sick is how certain aspects of worship service bother me. It irritates me when the song leader stops to read a few bible verses and gives us a “mini sermon.” My sickness tells me that he is just seeking attention but in reality, it irritates me because I wish I had a strong spirit like he seems to have. He seems to have a deep connection that I have been seeking. He is trying to feed us God’s word, and my sickness is rejecting it. It feels like a wall has been built and for some reason I cannot see over the wall or tear it down.

Sometimes the dark side of me thinks that God has let me down. I know it was not God that let me down, it was humans in the Church, some of my friends, and even some of my family. The people I needed the most did not seem to be there. Even after having a nervous breakdown, very few were there to help. I feel like the nervous breakdown would not have happened had the Elders of the Church took my request seriously. My faith became very weak very quickly.

Some do not believe that you can fall away from God. Some believe in “once saved always saved.” Here are a couple of examples of why I do not believe in “once saved always saved.”   1 Timothy 4:1-3 ESV says: “Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons, through the

insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared, who forbid marriage and require abstinence from foods that God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth.”  Matthew 24:10-13 says: “And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.”

A friend of mine once told me “If you focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger. If you focus on the solution the solution gets bigger.”  My focus has been on how people have failed me and because of that, I blamed God. That is spiritual sickness that stemmed from a spiritual wound. The wound festered up and made me sick. Now I have to focus more on the solution because what has happened in the past cannot be changed. Just like Terry always said, “Life is just a series of Adjustments. We get to choose what adjustments we want to make.”  It is time for me to focus on the solution so that the problem will get smaller.

Jeremiah 29:13 NLT says: “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”

Maybe I have not looked wholeheartedly? Maybe I have focused so much on the problem, I have lost sight of who God really is. I still have an exceptionally long road ahead of me. I cannot rebuild my faith overnight. I have to focus on the solution which is God. I have to pray more; I have to look wholeheartedly instead of putting on my blinders and saying, “poor pitiful me.”   As another friend told me “Stop struggling. Simply let it happen. Do not go through what I have done to get back to a place of rebuilding. You can accept a complete deflation of yourself.”  James 4:8 NLT says: “Come close to God, and God will come close to you.”  When I read this, I have to remember that I have to come close to God before God will come close to me. I have to make the first move. I have to focus on the solution not the problem.

I wanted to write this because I know that I am not alone. I know that there are a lot of people in the same situation. I know there are people all over the world that are struggling with their faith. Again, when I write, I write to myself. There is just something about writing to yourself that makes things sink in more. I hope this blog has helped someone. I hope the person reading this blog will leave us a comment giving us feedback. Remember, do not be afraid to ask for help. Everyone needs help from time to time