By: Jason Marcle
In two months, I will celebrate 6 years of sobriety. I will have to say that it has not been the easiest road, since in the last six years I have lost both my parents and a best friend. I have also lost three pets that were extremely near to my heart. I survived a nervous breakdown on New Years Day in 2022. I still struggle daily trying to be the person I want to be. I am a work in progress. My mind often loves to play tricks on me. Let me explain.
My mind tells me often that I am not a real alcoholic. It says “you have gone over 5 years without a single drink of alcohol. You are not a real alcoholic. You have never been placed in jail, you have never had a DUI, you have never lost your family due to drinking. You have a good job that you have been able to keep over the last 17 years. One drink will not hurt you.” I hear this speech weekly. I am thrilled that I can swiftly get those thoughts out of my head today as that same thought process causes thousands of people to revert back to their old habits. The best way to fight these thoughts is to surround yourself with like minded people. Surround yourself with people that do not want to drink, people that will lift you up instead of tearing you down. People love to tear others down because it makes them feel better about themselves. That is not healthy to be around.
Before the pandemic, we attended a church that had a men’s group that met every Wednesday night. This group made me feel welcome. They made me feel like I was not alone in my struggles. They sincerely listened to each other’s problems and tried to find solutions. We would search the Holy Bible for help, and to find peace in every situation. You could talk about any kind of problem you were facing whether it be marriage problems, addictions, grief, regret, etc. There was no judgement in that group, and everyone knew that whatever was said would stay only in that room. I have been to several different AA meetings in my life and none of them came close to this group. Do not get me wrong, AA meetings are great, and are needed for those in recovery.
This church kind of fell apart during the covid pandemic as we did not meet any longer due to the regulations put in place to try to keep everyone from getting sick. The minister left, along with several members and the men’s group just fell apart. Keep in mind that during this time most did not have AA recovery meetings either. Virtual meetings were always an option, but it was not the same at all. This made it exceedingly difficult for me to remain sober.
I know several who lost their sobriety during this time. I really miss the men’s group because I have never found another group that sincerely listened to me when I needed help and advice. I noticed, with the exception of a few people, that even in the recovery meetings nobody really was listening to each other. Of course, people were quiet and would let you speak during the meetings, but when I tried to seek advice from others in a one-on-one conversation, it seemed like others would want to quickly spill their problems on me before I could finish talking. It seemed like everyone was only worried about their problems and was not interested in anyone else’s.
I mentioned earlier that I suffered a nervous breakdown back in 2022. Part of the recovery process was medications. Today I have to take three medications for my mental health and another on an as needed basis. I also see a counselor at least monthly. This was a tremendous change for me as I do not like taking medications. Plus, what would everyone think of me knowing that I have to have mental health medications? I have days where my mind tells me that I do not need them either. It is hard for me to grasp that I have to take medications now just to feel normal. Sometimes that makes me sad thinking about it. The meds have caused me to gain weight. It does not help me when someone sees me out in public and says something like “you have put on some weight.” I have mixed feelings about my meds, but I do take them daily because I cannot go through another nervous breakdown again. I do not think I would survive it.
I have mentioned in earlier blogs that I am having issues with my faith. My mind plays a big part in this as well. I know what I need to do. I know I need to pray daily, be thankful and show gratitude for what I have today. For some reason, my mind plays tricks on me here as well. When I start to feel like I need to pray, my mind jumps in and says “why? God does not care about you anymore. He took away both of your parents and your best friend within a year’s time. He also allowed you to suffer a nervous breakdown during that time. Remember when you sought someone to help you at church and nobody did?” I am not trying to make up excuses, this is really what plays in my head when I feel like I need to talk to God. There is this barrier that has been built. I still believe in God, and salvation. I still attend church weekly, (a different one of course), I still seek God, I am still trying to rebuild my faith, but I do not know if I will ever get back to where I once was.
I know that without God I can not remain sober as he is my Higher Power. I am so thankful that I still have two friends that check on me daily. One of them sends me daily encouraging thoughts, Bible verses, etc. to help me start my day out right. My goal is to be stronger in my faith than I have ever been. I know it is not going to happen overnight. I will succeed though. I just have to get this barrier torn down in my mind and move forward. My Higher Power has kept me sober, and I have retained enough faith to not completely fall. I know that my God still loves and cares for me no matter what my mind may tell me at times.
The new congregation is really helping me though. The minister has made me feel really welcome and he has even taken time out of his busy schedule to read some of our blogs. The sermons are lessons I need to hear. I have found a lot of encouragement at this congregation. I have to keep in mind that if I focus on the problem instead of the solution, I will never find real happiness. But what is the solution to my problems?
One solution for me is to pray more. No matter what is going on around me, I need to work on my daily prayer life. Another solution is that I need to always put others first. There is a real happiness that takes over when you willfully help others in need. A few weeks ago, I was meeting a friend at a convenient store and this older lady pulled up with a flat tire. She had no idea what to do. My friend and I asked her to pull her car up to the air pump and we told her we would help her air up her tire. I pulled behind her and noticed that the inside of the tire had blown out. I explained to her that her tire was bad and that there was no way to air it up. We then changed her tire out for her with a spare so she could arrive at her destination safely.
The reason I am telling you this story is because I put that stranger first that day. I had things to do also, but I could not leave that lady stranded in a parking lot. I do not need a pat on the back for doing the right thing and helping her, I felt a sense of happiness when I left. It is a type of happiness that I do not feel often. The reason? I normally do not put others first like I should. Things normally do not go well for me when I try to put myself first above others. My mind plays tricks on me when I get in that state of mind. That is when thoughts of disappointment slip into my mind.
Another solution is that I do not need to set my expectations of others so high. I get disappointed when I do. I like to control outcomes the way I feel like they should occur instead of letting God control the outcomes. When things do not play out the way I think they should, I tend to get mad or even sad. The sooner I learn that God has everything under control and give the control over to him, the better off I will be. I will have far less disappointments. I will be able to experience more happiness in life. I would be able to express more gratitude towards my Higher Power. God does not want us to worry. He does not want us to grieve for prolonged periods of time. God has a plan, and it does not matter how hard I try to control things, God’s plan will always work out.
To end the tricks that my mind plays on me, I need to:
- Pray more and listen.
- Always put others before me.
- Give God full control and let him lead you instead of you trying to lead Him.
- Stop expecting so much from other people. They are just like me.
- Pray More (I need that constant contact with God)
- Always be looking for a way to help others.
- Realize that God will never put me through more than I can manage.
- Be thankful for the little things that I take for granted daily.
- Reach out when I need help instead of holding it all inside
- Pray More.
Rent Free Living 
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