Know Your Boundaries

By: Amy Marcle

As I write this, I am relaxing in my recliner with my sweet Oreo (my little dog) curled up by my ankles.  Jason and I just finished the dreadful chore of putting all the Christmas decorations back in the attic.  My house is back to its much-needed normalcy.  The reds and greens are replaced with my neutral colors of choice and the clutter of glitter and tins of cookies and junk food is now long gone.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Christmas.  It just seems to always be a stressful time for me. 

Each year at Christmas, for as long as I can remember, I get some sort of ailment.  Whether it is the flu, a sinus infection, a stomach virus, or just a normal head cold, you can bet that either the day before or the day after, I come down with something.  This year is no exception.  Christmas Day, I struggled to stay awake as my body was just exhausted.  The day after Christmas, I worked from home and that evening began running fever.  Sure enough, a visit to the doctor brough the normal news.  We are treating you for the flu.  Of course, it wouldn’t be Christmas without it.

While I enjoy the get togethers and the festivities that the Holiday season brings, it also makes me almost nauseas.  While everyone is enjoying the festive tastes of baked goods and appetizers and the never-ending charcuterie boards, all I can taste is the upcoming round of antibiotics and Tylenol I’m going to need to push through.  My Type 1 Diabetes diagnosis even came two weeks before Christmas.  So, it’s hard for me to look forward to it like a normal person would. 

However, my daughter is a Christmas enthusiast.  She thrives on the décor, the trees, the hot cocoa bombs, the Hallmark movies, all things Christmas.  And in my best attempt at not being labeled as Scrooge, I try my best to fall in with her desire to make our home magical.  A feat that leaves me winded when it’s time to put it all back in storage. 

I say all of that to say this, I feel like at Christmas we often exhaust ourselves in an effort to make the season as magical as possible. I know for me; I feel like we have to make two dozen eight varieties of cookies and thirty-two different appetizers in order to make sure everyone gets what they want.  I hang ornaments on the tree that really need to be glued back together or tossed to the curb, simply because I don’t’ want to hurt the feelings of the person who gave them to me.  I torture myself with picking out presents for people.  It gets to be a little much.  No wonder depression increases for people during the holidays.

But what about the rest of the year, do we set healthy boundaries between what we can emotionally, physically, and mentally handle and what people expect of us?  Do we make life harder for ourselves because we lose the ability to say “no” sometimes? 

If you are like me, you put more pressure on yourself to “be there” than the people you are trying to be there for do.  With my recent illness, I sent an email to my boss telling him that I was sorry I had the flu, but I would still work from home and get as much done as I could.  He responded “Amy, you don’t have to apologize for being sick.  I appreciate all you are doing while you are sick, but it is perfectly fine if you just need to rest.”

He was right.  Nobody should have to apologize for being sick, whether it’s physically or mentally.  With all the doctor’s appointments I have to endure, I feel the need to constantly apologize for my health.  Even though nobody ever made me feel like I needed to, that’s just my work ethic.  But it messes with my mental health because I allow my physical ailments to determine my worth.  Even though my boss told me not to worry about work, I still got up and went back as soon as my fever broke.  Sometimes we are just too hard on ourselves. This is a boundary I need to set with myself, to know when too much is too much.  My body always has a way of telling me when it’s time to slow down, to rest, to drink more water, etc.  We have to listen.  Our minds will also tell us when we need a break if we just listen. 

What about boundaries with others?  Do you have people who know they can count on you because you never tell them no?  It is completely fine to be the friend that everyone can rely on, but you cannot be the ONLY person EVERYONE relies on.  The best gift you can give someone is sometimes forcing them to become independent and do things for themselves.  Constantly saying “yes” to everyone will empty you.  And you cannot continue to feed others from an empty trough.

I used to think “self-care” was selfish.  I thought that in order to be a good person, I had to cater to everyone’s needs.  No more.  “Self-care” is necessary to make you more beneficial to others.  Watering everyone else only leaves you thirsty.  And if you have no water to give, you cannot make others blossom either.

I am not saying that you should never help others again, I am just suggesting that if you have found yourself feeling guilty for saying “no” to people before, let 2024 be the year you create healthy boundaries.  Nobody should expect you to put your own health and mental well-being at risk.  We all want to help others. But we have to do so in a healthy way that allows us all to flourish.

It’s ok to say no.