Falling Away…Part Two

By: Jason Marcle

In part one of this mental health blog, I discussed how I got to the point that I am today. Now it is time to talk about the reality of what I am facing. In my mind, I feel like God has left me. I feel like God has not answered my prayers. But that is not true. God always answers prayers. It just may not be the answer you are looking for or God may have a different solution to your request. Sometimes, God may simply answer our prayers with no.

In part one I wrote about this book I have been reading called “Forgiving What We Can’t Forget” by Lysa Terkeurst. The chapter titled “Forgiving God” really got my attention. I realized that when God does not answer the way I expect him to, or when He does something that I do not understand, it makes me question my faith. That is the human in me coming out. That is the addict coming out that always wants control. This book has taught me that when I feel this way, I need to ask, “what if I have been looking at this wrong?” Maybe I am so focused on the outcome that I played out in my head, that I am blind to God’s answer.

When my dad found out he had cancer and I prayed that he would be able to watch my daughter graduate high school, I pictured him attending the graduation ceremony. I pictured him being able to enjoy watching his only grandchild during this milestone in her life. God answered this prayer. Just not the way I wanted. My father watched my daughter graduate. Instead of watching from the stands, he watched it on my cell phone from a hospital bed 3 days before he passed away. God answered my prayer. Just not the way I expected or wanted him to.

When I pray, I should be asking God to help me see what is in front of me as my answered prayer. I may realize at the time that God has answered my prayers because I am too busy looking for the outcome that I expected. This makes things complicated for me as I want to blame God for not answering my prayers, but he has. I must remember that God does not and never will take orders from me. God knows what is best in every situation. I may not understand his plan in the beginning, but that is where faith comes in.

I must trust that that God’s plan will always be best. I prayed that my dad would beat cancer. He did beat cancer. He just did not beat it the way I wanted him to. He is in a place where there is no sickness or sadness. He is in a place where there is no anxiety. Today, he knows what real peace is. He beat cancer. He is not sick today. My father was also saved from the heartache of losing the love of his life. He was saved from enduring my mother’s death the following year from Covid. My mother was a nurse. She understood that when my father died that nothing else could be done and that he did not need to suffer. I am not sure my father could have understood that during my mother’s sickness.

My father loved my mother with all his heart. He did everything he possibly could do for her. When he passed, my mother was lost. She continued living the best that she could, but she was broken. She had lost her best friend. They were always together. She had never been separated from him. Now she was alone in her home. That is something none of us can understand unless we have been through it. God took him first because He knew that my father could not handle losing my mother.

While my father was in the hospital his kidneys started to fail. I was told that it was due to the respiratory distress event he encountered that landed him in the hospital. Remember that I told you I worked for a dialysis company? Well, we performed all the dialysis treatments in this hospital. My dad needed dialysis. I prayed that the dialysis would help him recover his kidney function and help his condition improve. I prayed that the treatment would have no problems. My dad was hooked up to a dialysis machine that I was responsible for. I told him that this was my machine, so he did not need to worry. I knew the machine had been maintained well and was in good shape.

Those words still haunt me to this very day. My dad went into respiratory distress again during his dialysis treatment. He never recovered. He passed away the very same day. I told him everything was going to be ok. I prayed that God would protect him while on my machine. Again, God did not answer the way I expected him to.

Remember in part one I said my boss did not like the idea of me taking off the week after my father’s funeral? This was another reason I wanted off. I was not ready to go back to work and look at the machine that my father died on. Nobody thought about how that messed with my head. To this day I still ask myself “what if something was not right on that machine? What if my machine killed my father?”  I still struggle with this. Not only do I see these machines daily, but I also often must walk by the ICU room that my father died in. Room 723. I will never forget it. I must pass that room every time I access one of my water systems in the hospital.

That is one of the hardest things I still face today. I have been diagnosed with PTSD for various reasons. How do you think my PTSD reacts when I have to walk by that room? When I worked with the doctor that was taking care of my father during his treatment. It really throws me for a loop sometimes. This is not how I expected God to answer my prayer.

The next year when my mother found out she had covid, I prayed. I prayed that it would not be bad for her, and that God would take care of her and keep her from harm’s way. In my mind, which means do not let my mother get permanent damage or die from covid. That was my expected answer from God. Of course, that is not the answer God had planned.

While my mom was in the hospital, I went to her house to pick up some items that she requested. I found a journal that my mom had started writing in. She was writing letters to my father. In her journal, she wrote how she prayed that God would take her because she missed my dad and wanted to be with him. She wrote about how she did not know how to live without him. She was sad. She did not say things like this or act in this manner around any of us because she did not want to upset us. She did not want us to know how sad she was because that would cause us to worry more.

God did not answer my prayer the way I wanted him to, but he did answer my mother’s prayers. My mother only had to live 12 months and 6 days without my dad. I know her prayers were answered. I know she did not want to endure what she did, but in the end, her prayer was answered. God knew what was best for her.

C.S Lewis once said for us to think of ourselves as a house God is renovating. We think we know what work needs to be done, maybe some small repairs here and there, and then He stars knocking down walls. We are confused and feeling the pain of this level of rebuilding. But maybe His vision is much different than ours. Instead of building the cottage that we picture, He is building us a mansion and He intends to live in it Himself. We only see what we can imagine.

Today I must realize that, when I start to doubt God, I need to realize that I am buying into Satan’s plan. I am doubting God, getting mad at God just like Satan wants me to. Satan will always attack when we are at our weakest. He knows all the right buttons to push. If we let our guard down, he will slowly sneak into our heads and lives. Today we cannot see God’s complete story. Satan will try to convince us that God has betrayed us. God does not need to be forgiven; God does not sin.

I just need to pray that God will open my eyes enough to recognize what Satan it trying to do. Here on earth, I see what I have lost instead of what my parents and friends have gained. I am the one who walked away because Satan attacked me in my weakest point. He kicked me when I was down. Today, I am on my feet and swinging with both arms. Again, I am not where I should be, but I am still a work in progress.