I’m Tired

By: Amy Marcle

To say I’m tired would be an understatement. I’m tired in so many ways at this moment in my life that I feel the need to explain in detail all of the ways I am exhauster. Physically, mentally, and spiritually… I AM TIRED.

Allow me to explain.

If you are like myself and burdened with physical complexities, you may well find familiarity with my sentiment of being physically exhausted. I’m in my mid 40’s, so naturally, my energy level is not what it was twenty years ago. Add to that my health issues of Type I Diabetes and Stage 3/4 kidney disease, and you have a plethora of reasons to be tired at the end of the day. I still work every single day, keep my house tidy, tend to my family and my two dogs and manage life quite well. But, by 8:30 p.m., I have put in a 14-hour day with work and home combined and I am tired. My family does not always seem to understand how we can turn on a movie and I fall asleep five minutes after the opening credits roll across the screen. I know it is frustrating to them for me to become so tired so quickly, and it makes me feel like a horrible parent and spouse for not seeming interested in participating in movie night or conversations, but it really is beyond my control most nights. My body fights against itself 24 hours a day on top of maintaining a home life and career. It may sound like “just diabetes” to some, but to me it tires me out. The physical highs and lows of unbalanced glucose levels combined with the mental effects of am I eating the correct foods to keep my kidneys from shutting down, while trying my hardest not to let it slip me back into my eating disorder is sometimes a greater burden than I can carry.

But, I do not say anything most days because other people have it much worse than me and it would be rude for me to dare complain about my own struggles. At least that is how I feel. I feel that while I may be “sick,” I’m not “sick enough” to have the right to complain. I often tell others that diabetes is a long, drawn out disease. You can manage it, but there is no cure. It does not kill you as long as you are managing it, so you just trod along with no cure in sight and no end in sight either. Just riding the struggle bus.

I also try not to complain because honestly, most people do not want to hear about other people’s problems, right? Everyone you meet has it worse, so why would they want to listen to how your disease is wearing you out when their life is tiring them out too? I actually have had people say to me “well, at least you don’t have cancer.” And while they are correct, it really angered me to have my own illnesses downplayed and trivialized. After all, they are life threatening to me.

The rise and fall of my blood sugar levels are sometimes unpredictable. I can eat the same foods, give the same insulin, partake in the same activities three days in a row and my sugar will fluctuate with no rhyme or reason. Today I may be running high while tomorrow I may be chasing lows to keep from passing out. There are many factors that affect blood sugar levels beyond the diet and exercise advice you hear. Diet, exercise, stress, mental health, hormones, weather, injury, illness, and other medications all affect blood sugars. And, sometimes diabetes just does what it wants. I say that because we diabetics often get blamed for our sugar, and sometimes it is just not our fault.

On top of Type I Diabetes, I have stage 3/4 kidney disease which brings with it a whole new bag of tricks. Every two weeks, I have to go to have labs drawn to test my hemoglobin levels to determine if I need a Procrit injection to keep me from becoming anemic. Low hemoglobin levels also make me more tired than usual. A vicious cycle that repeats over and over. I know I brought these issues upon myself as a result of my eating disorder, but even prisoners get a chance at parole.

On top of being physically tires, I am also mentally tired. Our family has had its share of grief over the last few years, and it has really taken a toll on my husband’s mental health. He lost both his parents, his best friend, and a cousin who was like a daughter, in a period of five years. Three of those deaths just within a year. Dealing with his grief has been hard on him, and I understand why. I, on the other hand, try to always be the one who keeps everything and everyone going. I try to keep everyone busy and pushing themselves forward. I try my hardest to make sure my husband and daughter are happy. All of that comes with a price. Because, no matter what I do, there are some things that I just cannot fix. I cannot fix Jason’s grief for him, l can only be supportive of him as he deals with it in his own way and time. That frustrates me because I want him to be happy again and reaching that is going to take some time. I worry about him because I know depression and grief are real problems with real consequences. I know that he has good days and bad days. I like to be the problem solver, the “fixer” so I wish for his good days to outnumber the bad days. Even if I am tired and battling my own insecurities and anxieties, I want to nurture his. I know that I am capable of handling situations, and I want him to learn how to handle his. This becomes mentally exhausting when I cannot fix it. I cannot bring back his family members or his friend. I cannot make his pain go away.

Mental exhaustion also affects me due to my concern about our daughter. I do not want her to feel as if she has to “fix” our health and our grief. It is not her problem to bare, even though she is a caring person who wants to help. She has a disadvantage by being our only child. She has nobody to help here when she needs advice on helping us as we battle our own issues. That is not fair to her, and I feel I burden her with our health scares and worry. She is currently in her final year of nursing school and I am trying to soak up as much time with her as I can. But, I feel I try to hard. I never want her to feel unloved, but I do not want to smother her either. This leaves me exhausted wondering if I am a good enough parent, or do I try too much?

I became spiritually tired around six months ago, feeling the desire to gain more from my worship experience. I needed lessons that were aimed right at my heart serving as instruction, warnings, and guidance towards a better relationship with God. I had grown tired of the same old lessons and stories. I needed a fresh approach to my worship. I felt like I had hit a wall. I needed to hear sermons on topics that affect people not my age, not just the same stories over and over again. The Gospel does not change, but life does, and lessons we need should be adapted to our needs.

The series of lessons at the church we are attending is called “This Is Our Story.” In this series, we have studied the stories of people just like me, people who were tired, people who were scared, people who were sick, people who were sad, people who were sinners. God had a plan for them, and He has a plan for me too.

Hopefully, this blog is a part of that plan. I hope if you feel tired, you understand you are not alone. I hope you understand that you are not the only one who feels like giving up some days. But, giving up is not an option. God is still waking us up each day, which proves He still has work for us to do. We cannot give up on His plan for us.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11