Coffee Cup

By: Jason Marcle

I have thought about this mental health blog for a few days now. I know the title is kind of weird but hopefully it got your attention. How does a coffee cup fit into a blog about mental health and addictions?

First, I am going to ask you how you represent yourself. How do you let others see you? Do you show respect to others around you? How do you represent yourself in the workplace? Do you show up to work when expected? How you treat others is often reflected in how others treat you. Remember that actions speak louder than words. For example, if you approach someone in a respectful manner, they most likely will respond back to your respectfully. If you approach someone in an arrogant or angry manner, you will most likely get the same back.

I am still dealing with my stress and grief every single day. I can still choose how I respond to others or control the tone of my voice when communicating with others. Other people outside of my home do not know what I am dealing with. For example, yesterday I met with my financial advisor. The advisor asked me why I did not call them back last year when they requested to meet with me. The advisor then asked me why I did not respond to the meeting request the year before as well. The advisor had a certain tone in her voice while asking these questions. It wasn’t a professional tone. I quickly responded with “when you called me in 2021, I was sitting in an ICU room with my dying father. He passed away during that time, so meeting with you was not a top priority.” Then I responded, “when you called me in 2022, I was sitting in an ICU room with my dying mother. Again, calling you back was not in the forefront of my mind.” She sat there speechless for a minute before continuing the conversation.

At this time, she has already set a bad tone for the meeting. I lost respect for this person very quickly. Do you think I will allow this person to come into my home now and discuss other financial matters outside of my job? Nope! She did not approach me with respect. She approached me in a demeaning way, in a way that she was hoping to make herself look better or more important. Then, after popping off and finding out the real story, she changed her tone. I was no longer interested in talking to her. I now realize this is not a person who I will ever allow into my home or give me financial advice in the future.

So, how did I come up with the title “Coffee Cup?” I was reading an article that I found very interesting. It was about this hiring manager discussing how he interviewed job candidates. He stated that during the interview process, he would take the candidate on a walking tour of the facilities. During the walkthrough, the candidate would end up getting a cup of coffee or maybe another type of drink from the kitchen. After the walkthrough, they would end up in the manager’s office with their drinks. After the interview, the manager would watch and see what the candidate did with their cup. Would they just leave it in the office? Would they volunteer to return the cup back to the kitchen to be washed? Those that simply left the cup sitting automatically failed the interview. It did not matter what experience or education they had. If they did not at least ask where they should take their cup, they would not be hired. The manager said they would not be a good fit for their company because everyone there worked as a team. Nobody was more important than another. No employee wouldleave their dirty dish or trash sitting around for another to clean up.

This brought me back to a story I heard several years ago where the hiring manager would always interview the candidate over lunch. The manager would watch to see if the candidate would season their food before tasting it. Even something as simple as adding salt and pepper to their fries before tasting was a test. If the candidate seasoned their food before tasting, the manager would not hire them. That makes sense to me. The candidate is assuming the food needs to be seasoned. So, this could mean the candidate could judge others before knowing them.

Wow. Stuff like this makes me think. Do I season my food before tasting? What would I do with my coffee cup? Would I offer to take it back to the kitchen, or would I expect someone else to do so? How does this even fit into a mental health conversation?

How others treat me affects my mental health. If I feel like someone is mad at me, I will get anxious. I already have problems with coping with anxiety. What I am describing is a form of emotional intelligence, emotional awareness, and empathetic communication.

We must think about how we respond to others. We need to look at ourselves and ask, are we communicating in a way that we want others to communicate with us? How are we presenting ourselves? Are we already making negative observations about someone before we know the situation? If I talk to someone in an angry manner not knowing what they are facing, I could cause more damage to that person’s mental health unintentionally.

I had a conversation at work this morning with a co-worker that quickly wanted to blame me and my department for an issue we had no control over. There was a job with a time sensitive deadline that did not get completed due to the co-worker not following up and checking the schedule. When I explained to the person that the job wasn’t completed on time because they failed to look at the schedule, they still wanted to pass the blame. That does not help with my mental health. That makes me question if I am doing my job correctly. I am not going to make a big deal out of it though because I do not know what that co-worker is dealing with. I am not going to run her department through the mud like she is mine. I am choosing the high road and saying it is simply a miscommunication or mistake. I don’t want to cause and damage to her or her department.

We must realize that we don’t know what is going on with someone else during the time of communication. We never know what the other person is dealing with in their mind. So, was it safe for the financial advisor to quickly jump to the conclusion that I was avoiding them? She was seasoning her food before tasting it. She had no idea that I had been going through. If she had taken a little more initiative, she could have easily found out what was going on in my life instead of leaving her cup for someone else to pick up.

We need to make sure that we are dealing with ourselves and not worrying about everyone around us. We need to keep our side of the street clean first before telling someone else to clean up their side of the street. I can’t ask someone to clean up their mess if my floor is covered in dirt. This is what makes judging others so very dangerous. The “coffee cup test” made me think about how I am carrying myself. Am I taking care of me before worrying about what others do?

If we are not careful, we can run good people out of our lives. Just like the advisor, had she been more professional, I most likely would have made some outside investments with her. Today, I am making plans to invest with someone else. I can forgive her for the way she was thinking even though she hasn’t apologized, but there is nothing wrong me forgiving her and choosing not to do business with her.

I must remind myself that everything I am dealing with daily is temporary. My job, me fears, my material possessions, my health, my anxiety, my depression, my addiction, etc, it is all temporary. I remind myself that I am not guaranteed tomorrow. Even though I have not mastered the solution yet, I must remind myself what my best friend, Terry, tome me when I talked to him about my struggles. “Life is just a series of adjustments. It is up to you what adjustments you make. Life is too short. You have got to find a way to be happy.”

I have this tattooed on my left arm. It is a daily reminder that I get to choose my own adjustments. I can choose to be angry. I can choose to be sad. I can choose to be grateful. I can choose to enjoy the day. I can choose to drink alcohol or not to drink alcohol. I can choose to seek help. I can choose to go see a counselor. I can choose to remain sober. I can choose to remain a Christian. I can choose my friends. It is all my choice. I just need to make sure I realize the consequences of the adjustments I want to make.