Challenges in Recovery

By: Amy Marcle

In other blogs, I have discussed just how difficult recovery can be. In this post, I want to focus on some of the challenges those in recovery face.

When you enter recovery, you find yourself on a personal mental health journey. While you may have terrific support group, many days you may feel as if you are on this journey alone. In a way, you are. You may have people cheerleading you and checking in on you to hold you accountable, but the decision to stay focused and sober from your addiction lies completely in your hands. You will read many addiction recovery stories and find articles on mental health tips and advice, but we all know that knowing what you need to do and actually taking the steps to make the change are two different concepts.

One of the challenges I faced beginning my recovery journey was to admit that I was completely worthy of eating food. During my time in addiction, I felt as if I no longer deserved to eat. If I ate, that meant I was weak and no longer strong enough to battle the illness that had taken over both my body and my mind. When I entered a rehab program, one of the main things we taught was that we were not only allowed to eat, but that eating was necessary for survival. This was a simple thought but difficult for those of us in treatment to comprehend. We had taught ourselves that food was the enemy and not the fuel we need to survive.

During my addiction, I dreaded the thought of eating in public. Would people think I was eating too much? Would people notice I was just shuffling food around the plate and not actually eating it? Could they tell I often excused myself immediately after the meal to go vomit the food I had just taken into my frail body? In recovery, I had to reteach myself how to eat in public without going into a panic. I had to reteach myself how to eat properly altogether.

Another challenge I had to face was developing emotional awareness of how I reacted to comments and remarks people now made to me. When I was losing weight, people were telling me how good I looked and how they admired my determination to stay on track on my diet. Of course, they had no idea I was killing myself by doing so. As the months of addiction went on and on, those comments went away and were replaced with remarks of concern. “You are looking pretty thin. Are you still eating? Did you eat today? You’ve lost too much weight.” The comments went on and on. I had people whisper behind my back that I must be “on drugs” to be losing weight so quickly. I took those comments and used them to my advantage. As long as they were saying I was too thin, the eating disorder was still working. Negative comments became positive reinforcement. But during recovery, people began saying things to me like “you look so much healthier now. Your glow is back. You look so much better.” I knew what they meant. They meant I had gained weight. It took me a great deal of time to understand that positive remarks were just that…positives. I had to remind myself to use active listening to hear what people were actually saying, not what I was reading into their comments.

Adding to the list of challenges, I can also say that mental health education is not anywhere near what it should be for those in recovery. Everyone knows an addict needs to stop the drug they are on, but few people explain the effects of suddenly stopping addictive behaviors. I knew I needed to eat and take my insulin sp hearing counselors and medical staff reiterate what ‘i already knew was pointless. When you have neglected your own mind and body for so long, it is mentally difficult to put your own health first and trust the process of healing. I had to trust the fact that insulin was not going to make me gain weight. I had to trust the process that eating again was not going to cause me to gain tons of weight overnight. Being told that and being able to mentally comprehend that were two totally different things. Every time I gave an insulin shot it was like I was injecting my body with weight. It took lots of convincing that I would indeed be healthier by taking my medication.

The addicted mind is a sick mind. Your thoughts are no longer rational. Your behaviors know longer line up with your typical behavior. You trust nobody and nobody trusts you. I had become such a liar that I had no idea what the truth was anymore. I lied about what I ate. I lied about what my sugars were running. I lied about taking insulin. I lied about taking laxatives. I lied about throwing up. I lied about how many times I had stepped on the scale. I hid laxatives in my purse and in my car. I kept a pair of scales in my car so I could randomly weigh myself throughout the day. Jason would find these items and throw them out of the house. I would just go buy more. I bought yellow jacket pills from local convenient stores until finally they stopped selling them to me. I had so many habits, it is amazing one of them did not kill me. Stopping all of these habits was a challenge. And one challenge was regaining the trust of Jason and my family. He would have to do random searches to make sure I wasn’t sneaking diet paraphernalia back into the house. He knew I was addicted and that I so needed the feeling that my addiction was giving. It was a challenge to simply be still and heal.

A challenge of recovery for me today is the fear of what my behaviors might have taught my daughter. After admitting I needed help for my addiction, I was always honest with her about my problems and my treatment process. During my addiction, I put a great amount of emphasis on staying thin and not eating. My daughter is in college now and like most young women she worries about her weight. I tell her daily that she is a beautiful size (she really is) and that I don’t want her to go through the hell I went through. This becomes a challenge, because I completely understand the thoughts she may have sometimes. I understand the pressure that society and social media puts on individuals to have a certain appearance, and I do not want her falling prey to the habits and patterns I chose during my addiction. I like to think that with my experience I am able to ward off any negative thoughts and behaviors that I may pick up on, but I also know that I’m not around her all of the time. I hate the fact that I may have ever led her to feel that when I was a certain weight it wasn’t good enough. I hate for her to remember seeing me at 100 lbs call myself “fat.” The message that must have been sent to her had to be devastating and I take full responsibility for sending out such negative body image messages.

While challenges are definitely a part of recovery, they are challenges that can be overcome. Overcoming addiction involves being able to effectively communicate your challenges to not only others but to yourself. Recognizing the challenges you face during recovery is the only way to deal with them. I often read posts on social media that state “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.” I would dare to challenge you to instead say “The worst day in recovery is still better than your best day trapped in addiction.”