Breakdown

By: Jason Marcle

I have not been the same after I experienced a nervous breakdown in 2022. That was one of the scariest experiences I have ever had. I simply am not the same person anymore. As bad as I fight to regain my old self, I just have not succeeded.

Today I am filled with restlessness. I am filled with anxiety from the restlessness. I am constantly nervous. I will say that my racing thoughts have calmed down a bit since I started counseling a few weeks after my nervous breakdown. I no longer have the replay of my father, mother, and best friend’s deaths in my head. Sure, I think about them all every day, I just do not have the replay center going 24/7.

If I could describe the restlessness, I would say it is like I cannot be still. After a couple of minutes, my body has the urge to move. This could come in the form of me bouncing one of my legs, me getting up and just walking around for no reason, my arms could be swinging for no reason, etc. I just have to move. It is extremely uncomfortable. I do have medications that help with this, but I take it sparingly as I do not want to become addicted to another substance.

I feel like I am completely trapped in this body sometimes. There are times where I cannot seem to control my reactions to certain situations. It is like I have been programmed to respond a certain way to certain situations.

I get nervous in large crowds. There is nothing I have found to help with this. I can close my eyes and take deep breaths. I get anxious in long lines in the stores. I get anxious if a restaurant is loud and noisy. I hate it when I am in a restaurant and the people beside us are so loud thar we can hear every word of their conversation. I do not want to hear that when I am trying to enjoy a meal. I especially get really nervous during the holiday rush.

These days I pace a lot at home. Nothing can hold my attention for more than 30 minutes. It is like my head bounces from one thing to another and I cannot help it. I cannot control it no matter how hard I try. It makes my work exceedingly difficult. Somedays it is ridiculously hard for me to go to work in my office when my body wants to be moving around somewhere else. I wish I could explain it in a way where everyone would understand.

Before my breakdown, we had friends that asked us to do things with them often. Today, not so much. I do not know if it is because of me or if it is just a coincidence. Life happens and things change. I just really miss going out with friends on the weekends. I miss the weekend trips we would take from time to time. I miss working on projects together. I miss the friendship. I feel like it is because maybe I act different since the breakdown. That is when everything really started to change.

I have noticed that it is dangerous for me to look forward to anything. I say this because if things do not work out like they should, it throws me a curveball and my head does not respond well. For example, I recently ordered a new laser/cutter engraver from a respectable brand name company. I was really excited to get this in and have something to help occupy my mind and keep it busy. I have always loved making things even though I may not be the best at it. After waiting for a week for it to ship, it finally arrived. I took it out of the box and followed the directions to get the machine set up. The machine did not work like it was supposed to. I could not get through the second step of the setup because the machine was not responding the way it was supposed to be. This immediately got me down. Not mad, but down. I had been anxiously waiting for this piece of equipment. I had already watched several videos on how to make things and I was ready for a weekend of projects.

At the time of this writing, I still have no resolution from the manufacturer on how to resolve this issue. So, now I am worried will I get a replacement? Will I get a refund? Did I lose all this money I spent trying to give my head something to occupy it and keep it busy? It just really makes my head spin no matter how I look at it. I cannot help it. It is how I am wired now. Now, I will worry about it until there is a resolution.

In return, this makes me pace even more. It makes me head wander even more. Two years ago, before the breakdown, I would have gotten mad and continued. Today, I cannot seem to just continue. It is like someone hit the pause button on my life and I do not want to continue until things are right.

It is very aggravating to live like this. Always moving, always thinking, never being able to be still without certain medications. It is like I have developed ADD since the breakdown. It is just harder for me to process things today than it was two years ago. A lot of things do not make sense to me anymore. You will hear me say “I don’t understand” more often today than two years ago.

I miss my friends. I miss my laid-back attitude I once had. I miss weekend getaways with my friends. I miss going into public without getting anxious. It makes life very frustrating and hard for me today. I am still trying to recover my spirituality. I am still trying to rebuild my faith. I am still trying to get my life back together every day. I question myself every day on why after asking my former minister for help, why nobody ever followed up to help me. Is my soul not worth it? I still have a lot of questions I ask myself daily.

I ask myself if I did or said something wrong to my friends for them to not come around anymore. Did I do something that made the minister uncomfortable talking to me when I was at my lowest point and even thinking about taking my own life? I guess people will always be people. One thing that hurt my feelings the most was when we decided to change congregations, our former minister never reached out to me. Even though I had written a letter to one of the Elders to explain my struggles. The Elder did get back to me and apologized and expressed his willingness to help. But the minister never said a single word. That hurt my feelings and makes me feel like I was never important. I was just a warm body to fill roles in worship services. That really messed with my head as well.

I am writing this blog because I know I am not the only person in the world struggling. I am writing my honest feelings so maybe others out there can relate to them and know that they are not alone. As lonely as I may feel sometimes, I know others feel and face the same issues. I am just brining mine to light hoping that it will give someone else hope that they are not alone.

I hope this blog has helped someone. This is one of the rawest blogs I have written. I hope those that know me will read this and understand. I hope that this blog will help some understand me a little better. I hope everyone will share this with their friends. You never know who may gain help from this blog.

I hope the person reading this blog will leave us a comment and some feedback. Remember, do not be afraid to ask for help. Everyone needs help from time to time. Do you have a story you would like to share? Please reach out and let us know. We want to hear from you!