Alone

By: Jason Marcle

Often, I feel alone when I am having a difficult day or when I am feeling down. I wanted to write about this subject because I am sure many others feel the same way. By writing this, it could help promote mental well-being by showing others like you that you are not alone. I have felt alone in many different situations.

Early in my marriage, when Amy was going through an eating disorder, I felt alone. I felt like a stranger in my house. I felt isolated. I felt like I was just a roommate to my wife. I felt like I did not have anyone to talk to because I did not want anyone to think less of my wife. I did not want to talk to anyone about her problem. I have heard a lot of addiction recovery stories, and at one point everyone involved felt alone. I am sure Amy felt alone because none of us could understand why she would not just eat and give her insulin. I did exactly what I should not have done, I kept it all inside.

The whole time I was drinking, I was alone. I never drank in front of my family. I would get home from work and within 10 minutes, I would drink eight shots of whiskey. When I felt like the whiskey was wearing off, I would go drink one or two more shots. I kept the shot glass and whiskey bottle under my sink in the small bathroom that came out of our bedroom. Nobody ever looked under there because nothing was under that sink except for small gun safe. I was ashamed of my drinking, so I hid it well. I felt alone and isolated because again, I kept it all inside for years. I was what people call a high functioning alcoholic. I could drink a lot and still function. One thing I never did was drink and drive. I was afraid I would hurt someone or myself. This was not good for my self-care or mental health.

I got to the point where I felt alone at church. No matter how many times I would ask to be removed from certain duties so I could focus on my mental health, it never happened. Every Sunday I would lead a prayer, lead sinking, teach a class, or serve on the Lord’s table. It was not that I did not want to do these things, I did not feel comfortable doing these things anymore because of the life I was living. I eventually had to leave that congregation so I could focus on sermons I needed instead of just filling positions.

I was ashamed of the double life I was living. I was the biggest hypocrite. I could teach a teenage Bible class and a few hours later I would be drinking whiskey in my bathroom. I never really pinpointed any one reason I started drinking other than it helped calm my head down and it helped me sleep.

When my 16-year-old cousin died in a car wreck, I was seven days sober. I felt alone because not only did I just lose an incredibly special person in my family, I was also trying to stay sober. But I had to keep it all inside of me. Remember, nobody else knew about my drinking. Alyssa was like a daughter to Amy and me. The only person I talked to about my drinking during this time was Alyssa’s father. Like he did not have enough on his plate. He had just lost his firstborn daughter with whom he shared a birthday. He told me about his mother dying when he was only sixteen. He told me how he held everything inside and shut everything else out. He was dealing with his daughter’s death the same way. He felt alone and isolated. Even though I loved Alyssa with all my heart, I could not come close to understanding the pain he was feeling inside or how her mother, Stacy, was feeling.

When my father found out he had cancer in 2019, I felt scared and alone. I do not typically like showing my emotions or my fear. I felt like I had to be strong for my dad, my mother, and my household. I was scared. Heart problems were common in my family on both sides, but not lung cancer. I did not want to talk about it because I did not want to upset others. I remember the exact day my dad found out he had cancer. It was July 16th, two days after my birthday. We were not expecting to get results until the 18th. On July 16th, the doctor called my mom and told her the results while she was at work. She called me and told me. After I hung up the phone, I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I felt alone. I did not know how to react. Here was something else I was going to have to hold in and pretend that everything was ok. I remember when I got off work, I called my parents’ house. I was going to talk to Dad and see how he was handling the news. He was not home. He was mowing my grandmother’s yard. I could not believe that he was out mowing a yard on a day he had received such unwelcomed news. I feel like he got the answer he expected. I felt bad because I did not know how to act. It affected my emotional intelligence. I did not know what to say. I had never had a sick parent. I felt alone.

Neither of my parents ever knew about my drinking problem. They did not know I was an alcoholic attending multiple meetings each week. I could not tell them because they had enough on their plate, and I did not want to add any additional stress. On top of that, neither one of them would really be able to understand. I had heard my mom numerous times talk about someone being a “real bad alcoholic.” She did not mention that the person was recovering, she just focused on the problem that they had. I did not want my mom referring to me as a “real bad alcoholic.” A person is either an alcoholic or not. There is no in-between. I cannot say that I used to be an alcoholic. I am and always will be an alcoholic. I am just choosing not to drink daily.

Some people may think I am ridiculous when I say it is possible to be in a room full of people and still be alone. People feel that feel alone will sometimes show several nonverbal clues that other people ignore. I can pretend to be as happy as I need to blend in with the crowd. It is part of living a double life.

After both of my parents died, I not only felt alone, but I also felt like an orphan. Who has ever heard of a 42-year-old orphan? I mean at 42, I had lost both parents, something my mom never had to experience. Her mother is still living at the time of this writing. I know I am not the only human to lose both parents at an early age. I felt like I needed a sibling to help me with the estate. My wife helped tremendously, but for some reason I still felt alone. There was a void now in my life that could not be filled. A part of my everyday life was now just memories.

Do not be afraid to be yourself. Do not be afraid to cry in front of other people. Do not be afraid to have fun and live life to the fullest. Terry, my best friend, told me often “Life is a series of adjustments. But you get to choose what adjustments you want to make. Life is too short; you have to find a way.” When he said you have to find a way, he was saying you have to find a way to be happy. If we do not look for a way, we will never find it. We all have stressful times in our lives. We all have a personal mental health journey. We are the only ones that can truly decide the outcome.

The best mental health tips and advice I can give is, KEEP A JOURNAL and use it to write down your thoughts and feelings. Look into some type of counseling. There are many grief counseling groups formed around the country today. Reach out for help if you feel you need it. Do not let the negative thoughts live rent free in your head. Talk to your higher power. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Check out our mental health blog on journaling. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. i will uphold you with my righteous right hand.