Breaking Up with Addiction

By: Amy Marcle

Breakups. We’ve all been through them. Whether you are the one breaking up with someone or the one who got blindsided in the relationship, it hurts. Breakups, however, are a necessity sometimes. Where in the world would the music industry be if everyone always stayed together and loved each other? Some of the greatest songs are about breaking up with someone or having your heart broken by someone else. One breakup that is necessary to promote mental well-being is your breakup with addiction that is causing you pain you may not even realize.

As we have discussed in other posts, addiction is not the same for everyone. Alcohol is not something I am tempted with, drugs are not something I am tempted with, but dieting and self-harm through drastic dieting practices is something I have issues with and must battle on a daily basis. For me to say goodbye to a drug would be nothing. But, when I had to say goodbye to my eating disorder, it was if I had lost a best friend, even if that best friend was slowly turning the knife into my fragile bony back.

When I became absorbed with dieting and weight loss, I took on a whole new lifestyle. Like new relationships, there were highs and lows with my addiction. The highs came from seeing the numbers drop on the scale, seeing how many days I could go without eating, seeing how long I could go without insulin, and of course, the compliments that I received at how good I looked after dropping the weight. Much like our social media posts, we broadcast our proudest moments. Nobody talks about the arguments and bitter moments that happen behind closed doors. The same is true for addiction. While I was at first looking better and feeling better as I lost weight, what I kept hidden was how terrible I was feeling. The high blood sugars were making me sick physically, and the constant struggle to lose more weight was making me sick mentally. Much like an abusive relationship, I kept the beatings hidden to avoid someone stepping in to stop it. I needed to let go of my addiction, but I was scared to let go at the same time. It had become a way of life for me. I had grown used to being sick and irritable and feeling healthy and happy felt strange to me. I no longer desired to leave the newfound safe zone of my addiction and return to a place I had not been in for a long time, a place of hope.

I nicknamed my addiction ED, for eating disorder. I would even refer to it as person. “Old ED got the best of me yesterday.” or “Can’t go eat until I make sure ED says it’s ok.” As strange as that sounds, being able to understand how addiction takes over your life is an important part of self-care for your mental health. You have to understand how much control you are giving the addiction, just like how much control you give a partner in a relationship. Breaking up with an actual person is easier. You can simply avoid that person until you are ready to see them again. But, how do you breakup with something you created in your own mind?

Like any breakup, when you are ready to break up with your addiction, you have to make a clean break. Don’t make promises to be friends with your ex-partner in relationships, and don’t make promises to yourself about your relationship with your addiction. I used to tell myself “just one more time and I will stop.” It doesn’t work that way. One more time is too many and not enough at the same time. If you are an alcoholic, you can’t tell yourself that you will only drink on Friday nights. You have to stop completely, or else you are hooked right back on your old habits again. Each time I told myself that I was going to go one more run of not eating and skipping insulin, it got harder to stop.

Making a clean break means letting go and changing completely. When I began my breakup with addiction, I had to do a great deal of “cleaning.” First, I had to clean out my purse. I had to get rid of all the diuretics and laxatives I was abusing to aid in my weight loss. I had to clean out my car. I had to get rid of the scales I carried to weigh myself every five minutes. I had to clean out my friends list on Facebook. The reason for this was because many people post inspirational stories about their own weight loss journey, and that is great. However, was triggering to me and only made me want to lose that much more. I had to unfollow and eventually block some to keep from seeing their success. I wished them well but had to do what was best for my emotional wellness. I had to create boundaries of what I could handle and what would send me overboard.

I eventually changed jobs as well. Not that the job was the cause of my addiction, but it was where I got sick at, and you cannot heal in the same environment you got sick in. I needed a change of scenery, a place where nobody knew what I had done and what I had been through. I was ready to take on life again and needed a fresh start.

Breaking up is tough. But think back on some of the personal relationships that have ended in our lives. They happened for a reason, and they ended for a reason. I would bet the majority of your past relationships are relationships you are probably better off without. The same is true for addiction. The breakup will be difficult. You have to learn how to live again. For me, it took a long time to get use to eating normally, taking insulin, and feeling healthy again. But, like any breakup, time heals. You just have to take that first step.